Gerascophobia — What does turning 30 do?

School’s first exam; that’s me on the left and I am also my sister’s best friend (Pune , Maharashtra, India)

I loved (and still love) being a child . Like they say, never let the child in you die . But mine died a little every day when I was nearing 30. Being in Indian society and the field of acting in the Indian industry , a woman should never have wrinkles on her forehead or in her life. My very existence was threatened by the fear of neighbours asking your age and giving you the surprised expression of “Why isn’t she married?”, “When will she get married?”, “Do you have someone in your life?”, “What have you done up to now?”, “Do you want to die alone?” and so on.

You know what the terror of answering a relative’s phone call is like in our society. It is like standing on a merry-go-round where you are struggling to hold the bars and having nervous laughter with the increasing speed of the machine. Slowly, the person’s voice diffuses in the air, and the vision becomes blurry and fuzzy. Yes, that’s what the phone call does . The last question at every family gathering is “who are you dating?” or “what is the next job lined up now “ or “why can’t you just get married before we get old?”

Isn’t it funny that I’m not racing against my time but theirs? I chuckle because that’s what I’m best at when I have so much to say but choose not to. In all these years of growing up, we have faced exams time and again. Our school, our college, work, and now life. And every time I had to take any test , I would end up getting sick. Now I know why. It was the fear of failing and disappointing my family. In the course of life , we forget and lose ourselves to everyone around us. To prove your worth and your survival. But I still want to save the little child from her life’s biggest exam-”Time.

As a child , I would love playing dodgeball, not knowing that the very game would teach me all the tricks and codes of my life’s exam . So every time the quiz starts , I visualise the questions as a ball and dodge my way out with a smile. Sometimes it does hit me in the wrong places and hurts too much. But getting up again is what my parents taught me.

Doodling back then (1996)

Finally, my 30th birthday was approaching, as was the exam, and I was surprised that I didn’t feel sick! Are you aware of what makes you unique and special? It occurs when friends in your immediate vicinity tease you for still being a child. And, true to their words, I celebrated as my 10-year-old self would. I celebrated for the kid in me, pampering her with new dresses and shoes and with the best of cake and balloons, slowly turning up the volume of her favourite song, “Just the way you are” by Bruno Mars.

This exam will occur on occasion. It does not have a date or a schedule. Do not look for any disclaimer signs in life. We all have different phobias that we are taught to confront. That evening, as I watched the bubbles in the glass slowly disintegrate, I reflected that it is no longer about growing old for me. It never was, but the fear of falling off the merry-go-round was.